Column 2 Story

One day, I walked into class.  Usually when I arrive in my classroom there are 20 crazy ladies waiting for me.  But on this day, there were 20 enormous cockroaches.  It was weird.  When I say enormous, I mean they were as tall as me.  They were wearing shailas and abayas.   I didn't know what to do, so I went on Google and looked for a pest control company in Khalifah City that could come and kill all the bugs.  It was obvious I needed expert help.

The pest control guy didn't understand when I tried to explain what was going on.  His English wasn't very good.   He asked me to send a picture to his email account, so I took out my cell phone and set it to image mode.  The cockroaches got really upset.  They covered their cockroach faces.  One didn't have a shaila, so sit used a magazine to hide its face.  That was weird too.  Then one of the cockroaches reached into its handbag and showed me a student ID card.  Whoa.  The cockroach had my student's stuff.  I tried to take the bag from the bug, but it got really upset with me, like I was trying to steal its stuff.  Then the bug tried to speak.  "Shisma.  Yanni.  Shu hada."  Then I realized: the cockroach was Shahla.

"Shahla, is that you?"

The cockroach laughed.  "Hahahahahahahahahha!"

Yes.  It had to be her.

Obviously, the pest control would be a bad idea.  Killing my students would get me in trouble.  I asked my director and he wasn't sure either.  "Is their English good enough to send them to GenEd? Let that department deal with it."

I went back to my office to think about the situation, and my phone rang.  It was a reporter from The National.  Somehow the media found out and they wanted to interview me.  "How did you turn all your students into giant bugs? Is it because they're late all the time?" I told her that I didn't want to talk about it, but she wouldn't stop nagging with questions.  "Is it because they talk when you're trying to teach? Is it ..." I hung up.

When I went back to the classroom, the students/cockroaches were taking all the garbage out of the trash can.and licking the old coffee cups and candy wrappers.  Cockroaches like to eat a lot, but there wasn't any healthy food in the trash.  Obesity was going to be a problem if we didn't find something better for them to eat.  This was such a weird day.  I mean, I'm just the English teacher.  I can't teach bugs about grammar, and I wasn't sure how to make them human again.  I tried being persuasive: "If you stop being cockroaches, I'll never take attendance again.  I'll give you copies of the exams the day before the test.  I'll let you watch movies every day in class."  It didn't work.  They were still bugs.

I was getting depressed.  Just then, one of the cockroaches said, "Sir, what does 'product placement' mean?" So I explained the word, and the cockroaches all wrote my explanation down in their notebooks  Maybe I can teach these bugs...